Apparently, I really am pregnant!
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: Blood test
My doctor's office opens at 8:30 am. I got up at 4:00 this morning, just so I would be sure to get them as soon as they walked in the door, because even though I have a half dozen positive pregnancy tests sitting on my bathroom counter, I'm not going to start being happy until I get a positive blood test.

I called Dr. Ginsburg's office at 8:20 - I figured maybe the receptionist would there early??? I'm a loon, I know. I was surprised when she answered the phone herself. I told her I had 9 positive pregnancy tests and I wanted the blood test. "Why nine tests, Meredith? You only need one!" she says. I told her Anthony didn't believe it. She said he didn't know anything and not to listen to him. I KNEW she understood me!

She said she had a feeling about this cycle. I wish I had been able to share in her optimism. Just a week ago I was crying thinking that this cycle didn't work and we were going to have to wait another month. But the sticks said differently. The sticks said that we were pregnant. Now I just had to wait for about 7 hours to see what the blood test said.

I told Anthony we had to wait until the blood test came back until we told anyone. But then I couldn't wait. I called my parents from the parking lot of the lab after I got my blood test. They were happy, but cautious. I feel the same way. After the babies, I don't know if I'm going to feel truly happy about this pregnancy until our first 3:00 am feeding.

I do have pregnancy symptoms, though, and I know that should make me more confident. I'm constantly nauseous and absolutely exhausted. This should make me feel better, but it doesn't. I keep thinking of missed miscarriages and phantom HCG levels. Wow, I'm neurotic.

The day went by so very slowly. Every time my cell phone rang, my stomach flipped over. Finally, at 2:30, I got the call.

My HCG was 39 and my progesterone was 21.5. Definitely pregnant. Congratulations.

Wow. I was thrilled for about five seconds, then the panic kicked in.

My HCG level with the babies at 14DPO was 474 and my progesterone was 110. I realize that there were six babies, but even if you divide 474 by 6, the number is still a lot higher than 39. It just seems too low.

The internet is a very dangerous place. It gives you just enough information to work yourself into a good-sized freak-out. I spent all Monday evening checking normal HCG levels. I was within the range of normal, but still below average. I hate being below average - I'm an overachiever, aren't I? But I know, and I've told other people this when they've been concerned over their levels, that the number doesn't matter - the number just has to double within 48-72 hours.

So my next blood test is Thursday. An eternity from now. Once again, God, I beg you for a viable pregnancy. I'm so sick of being patient - I want a baby.

Nine positive HPT's still aren't enough to make me believe
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Announcements
This was our first cycle of Femara, so I never expected it to work. I mean, come on - I did 7 Clomid cycles and they never worked, and I didn't get pregnant on my first injectables cycle, either. Anthony got to jab me in the butt for two months in a row before I got pregnant with the babies. So I never thought that one cycle of Femara was going to do the trick. And yet, there I was on Saturday afternoon, sitting on the toilet screaming at Anthony that he better get in there, because I could definitely see a second line. It was faint - really faint. Like hold-it-at-an-angle-under-a-bright-light-and-squint-like-you're-staring-at-the-sun faint. But it was there.

Anthony didn't believe it. He thought that the really faint line didn't mean anything. Forget about the countless times I told him that "A line is a line is a line and any line is positive." There was no way he was going to believe that barely there line was a baby.

So Sunday morning came and I peed on one of those damn sticks again. Same brand as the Saturday test. And it was negative. I thought that I should probably cry about it, but I've had a lot more negative pregnancy tests in my life than positive tests, so I guess I felt numb. But I didn't understand it. I KNOW there was a positive on Saturday afternoon. We were on our way to church, and we were in a hurry, but I forced myself to pee on another stick - different brand this time. And this was another faint positive. Darker than Saturday's, but still faint. And still too faint for Anthony to believe that I was pregnant.

Being a man (a really great man, most of the time, but a man nonetheless), Anthony does not understand my obsession with peeing on those stupid sticks. Oh, who are we kidding - its not an obsession. Its an addiction. I get shaky when I realize its time to do it. I can barely get the foil wrapper open my hands are trembling so badly. When I finally am able to do it, I feel such a sense of relief. Of course, all satisfaction is almost immediately wiped away when there is no second line to see.

But, as with all addictions, you need more and more to satisfy your cravings. So on Sunday morning, one positive pregnancy test was not nearly enough. I needed more. I had to have it. My skin was starting to itch at the thought of doing it again.

So, after church, I tell Anthony that I'm going to Wal*Mart to buy deodorant. Complete fib. I was going to buy more pregnancy tests. Yes, I lie to cover my addiction. My name is Meredith and I need help.

I bought three different kinds of tests - First Response (2 pack), Equate (2 pack) and Clear Blue Easy Digital (also a 2 pack). Plus, I still had an Answer test left at home.

I wanted to make sure that I had the most concentrated "stuff" that I could, so in order to avoid peeing too early and thus diluting the test, I took a nap. I slept for 5 hours all so I could avoid peeing. Yes, I know. Its a sickness.

After much debate over which test to use, I decided, what the hell? I'll use them all. So I found a paper cup in the kitchen and used that to collect my sample. Then, I started dipping the sticks into it.

I focused first on the FRE, cause that's what had given me a faint positive that morning. It was still faint, but it was there. Same with the Answer test. The Equate test took a long time to do anything = stupid Wal*Mart off-label brand.

But what I saw on the digital test was beyond my wildest dreams. There, in plain English, for anyone with a second-grade reading comprehension level to see, was the word "pregnant." Anthony certainly couldn't doubt this!

I'm pregnant. Dear God, please let me stay that way this time. Please don't bless me with more babies than I can carry at one time. Please don't let me be broken-hearted again.